Week 1 Picks

A resounding success with the first game, my perfect season is intact!  Let’s run through the rest of the week 1 picks, I’ve put enough commentary in the season profiles so these are going to be pretty quick.  Next week I promise to bore you with more chatter.  Remember, I’m ranking these in order of quality, better picks coming first (note the number of martinis, more is always better when Gin is involved.)  Remember to check the weather for Tropical Storm Hanna, as a rule I never chase action on a game being played in a tropical storm.  But hey, that’s …BZT… just me.

St. Louis at Philadelphia (-7) - Everyone’s healthy on the Philly offense and I don’t see anything suggesting the Rams defense will be stopping McNabb at home.  Memo to Drew Rosenhaus: drink bleach, you pipe.  Take Philadelphia.  4 Martinis

Cincinnati at Baltimore (+1) - Chad Johnson can call himself whatever he wants, but he changed his last name to a phrase uttered by Herm Edwards during a ridiculous NFL network commercial where Edwards was flying a space-blimp.  That’s the sound of me laughing at you, not with you, Jackass - give me Baltimore and the points.  3 Martinis

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3.5) - For whatever reason, nobody is talking about the bags under Sean Payton’s eyes.  Gruden sleeps in his office, too, but he wears it much better.  Payton’s delta name is…Burnout - gimme Tampa Bay on the road.  2 Martinis

Kansas City at New England (-16.5) - Apparently noone believes Tom Brady has a foot injury.  Makes sense, the injury news coming out of Foxboro is as reliable as a bathroom scale.  No way the weak Pats secondary can stop the garbage points from Dwayne Bowe that will beat a 16.5 point spread, so go with Kansas City for the back door cover.  2 Martinis

Seattle at Buffalo (E) - Interesting line.  The Hawks are better than the Bills but are real thin at WR to start the season.  At least they’ll recognize the weather, upstate New York sees about 2 days of sunshine a month.  Metallic objects do not react well to such conditions - ask me …BZZT… how I know.  Also, take Seattle.  2 Martinis

New York Jets at Miami (+3) - I hope the betting public boosts the Jets all season because of the mythological Favre factor.  I’ll be taking this right to the bank.  Remember when you dared not bet against Brett Favre?  Yeah, me neither old man - take Miami and the points at home.  2 Martinis

Houston at Pittsburgh (-6.5) - Wow, big line for the Steelers here.  Remember Steely McBeam, and how he quickly faded from the spotlight once the Steelers management realized what everyone else already knew (that Steely McBeam blows)?  A robot can forgive, but never forget - one demerit for you, Steely, I’m taking Houston.  1 Martini

Detroit at Atlanta (+3) - The Lions should never, ever, give points on the road.  Sure Matt Ryan is a rookie but his receivers will be running free, he should be able to hit one every now and again.  Take Atlanta.  1 Martini

Dallas at Cleveland (+4) - I’m not in love with the Browns or anything, but they have enough firepower on offense to keep this one close.  Who exactly will be stopping Braylon Edwards from a late TD to close the gap and cover this one Jersey style?  Yeah, I like Cleveland.  1 Martini

Jacksonville at Tennessee (+3) - Another home dog?  The Titans can stop the run and the Jags don’t have anyone to catch the ball this week.  Vince Young better start showing me something, if he has a little wiggle we might be able to make some bank on him ATS in a tough division this year, starting this week - take Tennessee.  1 Martini

Carolina at San Diego (-9.5) - What the?  Almost 10 points right out of the gate.  Damn boy, Delhomme isn’t even hurt yet!  Apparently the bookmakers are not familiar with the power of Julius Pepper’s bionic left arm!  I’m banking on Carolina and lots of broken ribs for Marcus McNeill.  1 Martini

Washington at New York Giants (-3.5) - As I explained yesterday, Giants all the way.  Not only that, but I’m already loving the Jim Zorn mask of confusion.  Joe Bugel missed the memo that you can’t block the Giants D-Line with Chris Cooley.  1 Martini

Chicago at Indianapolis (-9) - Ugh.  Part of me wants to believe this will be a blow out but another part of me knows that the Bears defense is still fully healthy.  I’m taking Chicago and the points, but I’m not happy about it.  We’re starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel here.  Rotgut

Minnesota at Green Bay (-3) - Please let Tony Kornheiser still be out of action recovering from hernia surgery.  Oh please, please, please.  Otherwise he will be replacing all verbs with the word Favre.  I will Favre Green Bay and the lame MNF production of this circus can go Favre up a rope.  Remind me to rant on how ESPN killed Monday Night Football, though I reluctantly admit that the commercials are funny.  Rotgut

Denver at Oakland (+3) - Already in week 1, the only people watching this game on the East Coast have Jay Cutler on their fantasy team.  I’m backing JaOakland.  Rotgut

Arizona at San Francisco (+3) - Ar-I-Zona, the San Francisco treat!  Ding Ding!  Rotgut