AFC North - Broken Dreams/Toilets

Mediocrity is a dish best served luke warm… And slightly cold in the center, like uneaten peas, and the AFC North are a bunch of cozy peas in a squishy pod. Actually – it’s just the teams’ records that are mediocre here. These teams, are good at the top, but they have tough schedules, and I don’t see 10 wins for any of them.

There are, however a couple turkeys here. I am a bit of a gourmand myself and nothing turns my stomach like a meal ruined, and this division features a bunch of over cooked filet…Hell, the wasted talent in Cincinnati alone would feed Dom DeLuise during the Feast of Seven Fishes. Have I

Burt, I have something to tell you

mentioned how much I hate that overpaid sycophant? Remind me to tell you about the time I was invited to Burt and Lonie’s place, and that old blowhard DeLuise showed up and broke their toilet seat.

Cleveland Browns -9-7 – Division Winner

I love what Cleveland did with their offense over the offseason. They locked up Derek Anderson for the short term, not too long – bleeping mind you, but long enough to ensure they have the real thing with Brady Quinn…If Quinn is another ina long line of Notre Dame QB busts (I’m looking at you Ron Powlus) then they can re-extend Anderson, and go forward. They also got another weapon for Anderson, Donte Stallworth, this is one of my favorite signings, because Stallworth has shown he can pick an offense quickly (previous 2 seasons in Philadelphia and New England) and be a difference maker. We all know what Braylon Edwards and Hell’s Angel Kellen Winslow can do. The Browns also shored up their offense by adding Manimal Shaun Rogers and Jr. Manimal Corey Williams in trades. I think Cleveland’s defense will be markedly better this year. GM Phil Savage has shown that with a little imagination, you can improve NFL team immediately in certain areas. If Romeo Crennel can show me more this year than he has in years past, then Cleveland can take a huge leap this year - but he needs to step up.

Pittsburgh Steelers – 8-8

Someone has to win the AFC North, so someone has to come in second, right? This is going to be a controversial pick, I understand that – but the Steelers are going to lose a spot in the playoffs because of their tough schedule. I like the Steelers offensive stars – Hells Angel Ben Roethlyzplyk, Fast/Quick/Speedy Willie Parker and Santonio Holmes should all have good fantasy years, and I know you all care about that. Hines Ward is coming off a rough year last year, and should be a good slot/possession type guy for the Home of Steely McBeam. We all know that the Steelers had the #1 ranked defense last year, and they should have a very good defense this year. I have the Steelers with

Ummm...Yeah...You're even worse than Swoop

one less win because the Steelers play the tougher schedule, in the AFC West, the Browns play the Broncos and the Steelers play the Chargers. It bleeping sucks eggs, I know, but that’s life in the NFL. The Steelers could sneak in as a Wild Card team if the Brett Favre Experiment blows up, but this is going to be a tough year for the Black and Gold.

Cincinnati Bengals – 6-10

Ay, ay, ay…I don’t know where to begin. This team has a lot of offensive potential, and have arguably the best QB in the division in Carson Palmer, and you know how important…BZZT… I think the QB position is…But Palmer’s not that much better than the Browns’ tandem and Mr. Roethlyzplyk; and the rest of the team is more cracked and crappy then that toilet seat DeLuise broke. The Brown family needs to open their checkbook and get a real football man (or robot…hmmm?) running the show there. Chad Johnson, Chris Henry, Rudi Johnson…have the Bengals done anything right? Well, they signed Ben Utecht away from Indianapolis. That was a good move, the Bengals haven’t had a real threat at TE in years, and I think Palmer/Utecht will be a very nice combo this year. They also drafted Keith Rivers, nice pick there, a good kid who should start right away, beyond that, the Bengals have done little right. I am on my pulpit now, but this team is a complete mess – they are wasting a talented QB with Palmer. If the Bengals finish with a record close to what I predict, then Marvin Lewis will lose his job. If Lewis is gone, then the Browns should completely wipe the slate clean, get a VP of Football Operations, GM and new coach, and give Palmer a real chance.

Baltimore Ravens – 5-11

The Ravens, on the other hand are a team on the rise. This is a well run organization, and they know how to pick talent, nurture it, and keep that…BZZT… talent. This year will be a rebuilding year, however, and Ravens fans should be watching, of course, for the maturation of Joe Flacco. Depending on the philosophy of GM Ozzie Newsome and first year head coach John Harbaugh, that maturation may not happen on the field on Sundays. The defense will be stout again, led by team captain/dancer/accomplice Ray Lewis the Ravens boast a solid, attacking defense. Their special teams should also be solid with special teams wizard Harbaugh minding the store. The supporting cast on offense leaves a little to be desired with Willis McGahee, Derrick Mason and Todd Heap leading the charge, but little else behind them. Rest assured Ravens fans, there is a plan, and unlike Burt, Lonie and the Bengals, it doesn’t involve Super Glue, toilet paper and red-faced embaraasment.